In her book The Year of
Magical Thinking, author Joan Didion tries to make sense of her world after
the death of her husband. She marvels
at the capacity of grief "to derange the mind," that is, to
throw its victims into a mode of irrationality. It’s difficult to think and live as though
the person you loved is really dead. Surely
there has been some mistake of diagnosis or identity "I was thinking as
small children think," she writes, "as if my thoughts or
wishes had the power to change the outcome." One day Didion was clearing the shelves of
her husband's clothes, putting them in stacks to give away to thrift shops. But
she couldn't bring herself to give away his shoes. "I stood there for a
moment, then realized why: he would need shoes if he was to return home."
Jesus said: “Blessed are those
who mourn.” We grieve when we have
lost something or someone meaningful and significant and precious, someone
integral to our identity. Grief is our
human response to loss. The Greek word
for mourning which Jesus uses in this beatitude is penthountes. It is the strongest word for mourning in the
Greek language. It’s a word used for
mourning the death of a loved one.
There is no question that people
share much in common when grieving: like shock, denial, anger, confusion, emptiness,
depression, loneliness, and fear. On the other hand, grief is unique; everyone
mourns in their own way. You must be
careful not to judge someone for not grieving in the way you understand it or
the way you grieved.
There is no well-ordered
progression from one stage to the next. In reality, there is much looping back,
or stages can hit at the same time, or occur out of order. The stages model, like
Elisabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages, Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and
Acceptance are still a good guide of what to expect, but it’s vital to
interpret the stages loosely and expect individual variation. For example, depression isolation, and
loneliness often happen late in the grief process, months after the tragedy
strikes. It actually is normal and
expected for you to be depressed and sad eight months or more later. Friends often don’t understand this, and feel
that it should be time for you to "get over it" or to “move
on” and rejoin the land of the living.
Instead, you are acting normally.
Some describe grief like you are
riding on a roller coaster, with its ups and downs, its sudden and unexpected
turns and twists. Sometimes you feel you
are hanging on for dear life. I recall
unexpected waves of grief hitting me after my parent’s deaths as long forgotten
childhood memories abruptly burst into my consciousness. I tried but I couldn’t stop these waves of
grief. I gradually learned to cope with
them and ride them out when they occurred.
Grief of course occurs not only
in times of death, but whenever we have lost someone or something significant. Mourning, grief or bereavement affects our
entire being, it’s manifestations are physical, intellectual, emotional, and
spiritual. Grief is a process of separation, separating ourselves or detaching
ourselves from someone or something we highly value. We are breaking away, we are severing the
bond from someone or something we love.
For instance divorce, moving away from friends and a familiar
neighborhood, the loss of a job, breaking-up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or
the death of a beloved pet bring on grief.
I learned that grief has a mind
of its own. It’s in charge; you can’t
control or direct it. I recall church members who have asked, “Pastor , why is it that I always cry in
those uncomfortable moments when I don’t want to and can’t seem to cry when I
want to.” “Pastor : I’m
so lost, I feel like I’m going crazy, I feel so guilty, I can’t concentrate on
anything, I can’t make a decision, I just don’t know how I can go on, where do
I begin?”
Grief is a serious emotional
wound, and like any serious physical wound, it takes treatment and time to heal. The book of Ecclesiastes describes grief as a
season: “a time for every matter under heaven, a time to mourn and a time to
dance, a time to weep and a time to laugh.” There is no avoiding this season in the plan
of God.
I share the view that there are
three basic stages of grieving. First, numbness. You are in a state of shock, denial. You struggle between fantasy and reality. Everything is surreal. You try to discern between what is real and
what is unreal. I recall after a good
friend died, seeing him in a crowd or driving by for many weeks. My mind refused to accept that he was gone. I believe God initially shields us from the
pain of our loss by wrapping us in an emotional blanket. It can last from 2 weeks to 2 months or more.
The second stage is dis-organization. You begin to recall and must deal with
painful feelings and memories. You feel
like you’re beginning to unravel. Emotions
erupt and take on a life of their own – anguish, guilt, anger, depression, loneliness,
fear, sorrow; sometimes we question God or have a faith crisis. You often experience physical manifestations
like anxiety attacks fatigue, a lack of energy or sleeplessness, and a loss of
appetite. You have trouble focusing or
concentrating on anything. You tend to
withdraw, retreat from people and life.
This stage can last from 6 months to 1 & ½ years or longer.
The third stage is re-organization. You find that your feelings and memories are
less intense. The searing pain of memory
is not quite as acute. Some memories
actually begin to bring comfort and consolation. You find a renewed desire to re-enter life
and to re-connect with people. You
experience occasional times of peace. You
begin to come to terms with your loss. At
times you even begin to feel normal. This
stage can last from 18 months to 2 years or longer.
Listen to the advice of a
seasoned Christian counselor who was asked what she advises people who are
dealing with grief. "I tell them
to feel their feelings. I also urge
people to reduce radically the pace of their lives, to review their loss, talk
about it openly, think about it thoroughly, write about it reflectively, and
pray through it. It's my experience that
people want to run from their pain. They
want to replace pain with another feeling as soon as they can. To recover from
pain, you have to face it. You must
stand in it and process it before it will dissipate. That's God's way. You see, I didn't do that when my husband
died. I replaced that pain real fast. I think I missed only four days of work. And I just replaced the feeling of loss and
disappointment with a frenzied schedule.
I ran from it. That was a bad move for me and for other people around me.
I wonder how many of us do that?”
When you are ready, reach out to
others, talk to trusted friends. Select
those friends carefully. Not everyone
feels comfortable or has the patience to listen to you talk about your feelings
regarding your loss. Seek professional
help like a psychologist or psychiatrist.
See your doctor especially if you are having concerns about your health. Participate in a grief support group. Visit some special places which meant a lot
to you and your loved one. Stay
connected with people. Don’t go
through it alone.
What is God’s goal in times of
grief? First, God will accompany us
through the journey of grief and help us complete our emotional relationship
with the person whom we’ve lost. Though
as any of you who have grieved know, as I know, our grief is never fully
resolved or complete and stays a part of you the rest of your life. Mourning is a journey toward healing and
wholeness which God calls us to walk. But
do not go it alone, Christ and others go with us. So pray to God for help and strength. Read the scriptures. Be alert for surprises of God’s grace along
the journey. God is with us in our
season of grief.
Further, God’s will is that you
begin to re-direct your energies and hopes and goals toward the future, rather
than concentrating on the past. God
desires for us to re-connect with others and renew attachments. Jesus says in effect: “Blessed are those
who mourn but do not become a prisoner of your mourning.”
Rick Warren, the pastor of Saddleback Church
"I've often
been asked, 'How have you made it? How have you kept going in your pain?'
And I've often
replied, 'The answer is Easter.' "You
see, the death and the burial and the resurrection of Jesus happened over three
days. Friday was the day of suffering and pain and agony. Saturday was the day
of doubt and confusion and misery. But Easter—that Sunday—was the day of hope
and joy and victory.
"And here's
the fact of life: you will face these three days over and over in your lifetime.
And when you do, you'll find yourself asking—as I did—three fundamental
questions. Number one, 'What do I do in my days of pain?' Two, 'How do I get
through my days of doubt and confusion?' Three, 'How do I get to the days of
joy and victory?' "The answer is
Easter. The answer … is Easter."
Jesus’ affirmation of blessedness
in this beatitude is followed by a promise – “For they shall be comforted.” Jesus’ promises that one day you will again
experience comfort, peace, joy, the brightness of the morning, the beauty of
creation, the joys of life. You will
again laugh, and feel, and find a renewed purpose and direction.
I close with the words of II
Corinthians. “Blessed be the God and
Father of our Lord Jesus Christ the Father of mercies and the God of all
consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction so that we may be able to
console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we
ourselves are consoled by God.” Amen!
No comments:
Post a Comment